Yesterday I told my therapist I think I’m “ready.” Not finished, but “ready.” I don’t believe I have nothing left to work on, but I look back on these last nine months and am blown away by the work God has done in me. Seriously, blown away. I am a more engaged mom and wife. The walls I once carried have been shattered. And now I have the tools I need to address challenges as they pop up. I no longer feel like a prisoner in my own body, constantly holding back and protecting myself from getting too close to people. That was exhausting.
We talked quite a bit about how I was feeling with the idea of being “done.” I was honest: I feel conflicted. On one hand, I am so exhilarated and thankful for how far God has brought me. On the other hand, I feel kind of devastated that the relationship is ending. It’s not a “normal” relationship of course. I have never met anyone in my life that I’ve had to say goodbye to with no prospect of being able to say, “Hey, let’s meet up for coffee!” I mean, when someone has gone out of my life, it’s either because they’ve died or because the relationship just wasn’t meant to be.
It sure would make it a lot easier if I just didn’t like her, but I adore her.
Anyhoo, later that afternoon while doing my quiet time, I realized that even though I acknowledged the fact that there was sadness there, I really wasn’t allowing myself to feel sad. I think I was resisting it. After all, who likes to wallow or sit and cry? I felt the Lord gently convict me that I needed to allow Him to remove that resistance and help me to feel what He wanted me to feel.
As I sat there praying (ok, and crying), I realized:
I am a fixer-upper.
I think it’s common knowledge that when someone moves into a fixer-upper, the work is never done. There is always another wall to be painted, wiring to be replaced, broken pipes to be fixed…and I realized that we are the same way.
God is continually working on “projects” in us. Some of those are aesthetic, things the outside world will notice. Others are structural changes that people outside of ourselves just may not ever see. But to Him, the love, attention and work He puts into us is well worth it, if our foundation is strong and secure. Because those projects he starts in us, he finishes, and then He gets to sit back and admire the great work He did.
We may have broken pipes. We may have faulty wiring. We may have “walls” that need to be demolished or restructured. But when our foundation is perfectly secure and grounded in Him, all those things really don’t matter–they’re fixable. And when God works on those things, it results in our beautification. We become more and more like the “finished product” that He so desires.
I am a work in progress. I will never be finished this side of heaven.
I am a fixer-upper. And so are you.
Today, may you surrender your broken pieces to God, and allow Him to work his magic as He beautifies you.